Dear Donald
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Our very own agony aunt gives tips for paddling and other life crisis. p.s. not to be confused with the real "Only Me" version.
Q: If no one sees me swim, does it count?
A: There are two main schools of thought regarding this. To explain them it is best to start by explaining their thoughts on what may constitute a swim.
- Standard Swim: - Bailing out of your boat and people seeing it.
- Technical Swim: - During, or shortly before or after doing something involving a boat, a significant part of your body becomes immersed in water. A standard measure is if your bottom is wet, you swam.
- Secret Swim: - People are aware that you swam but through some action are made not to mention it. Swimmers can sometimes transform a Standard Swim into a Secret Swim by applying enough alcohol to those in the know that they forget about it, or are bribed into never mentioning it again.
- Private Swim: - you're the only person who knows that you had a 'Standard Swim'
- Serious Swim: - You're frowning when in the water
The Old-School method would be to consider all of these to be a swim.
The other main method would be to only consider the Standard Swim and the Technical Swim to count.
Which of these applies tends to be club dependant, so to find out whether it counts, I would bring up the circumstances in your clubs next committee meeting and see what they say. Certain dispensation is often given depending on the comedic value of the circumstances of the swim.
Q: I'm thinking of replacing my car. What is the coolest paddling vehicle? options being considered:
- Subaru Outback (4x4 cross over SUV/estate car)
- Toyota Rav4 T180 (4x4 SUV pretend off-roader)
- Lexus R400H (hybrid 4x4)
- Honda CRV (a bit geriatric?)
- Mercedes Van long wheelbase (put all the kit in the back, plus can sleep in it)
- VW camper van (as for Merc Van)
- A Boxter Van
A: All other considerations are secondary to a comedy electrically closing tailgate
Q: Is it possible to open a bottle of Southern Comfort and not finish it?
A: You must be joking - of course not!!!!
Q: Is it possible to go for a week of skiing without doing yourself an injury?
A: I've heard that it is possible, but my advice is keep up the insurance payments.
Q: Is it possible to roll a kayak even when you can't reach the bottom with your paddle?
A: We all know this popular problem and many men and women suffer from this condition popularly known as premature immersion, so do not be alarmed as you are not alone - however, why not buy a longer paddle?
Q: What's the optimum number of cans to have before canoeing?
A: For some reason I can't quite remember as it's all very fuzzy, but I always get the munchies and feel very hungry about half way down the river
Q: I'm about to walk the Corridors of Power and visit my MP and the Minister for the Environment at the Palace of Westminster - is a wetsuit (complete with full strength booties) suitable attire to create the right impression? yours "undecided"
A: My spies at HP tell me you had an affect (or was it the boots?)
Q: A friend of mine recently swam within 100m of getting on the river. Six of us chased his boat for 2 miles downstream before we recovered it. How many beers do you think he owes us?
A: 2 miles = approx 3000m which is 30 times the distance covered pre-swim, x 6 = 180 beers. A small price to pay your friends for risking life and limb to rescue your boat.
Q: Tying boats onto the roof of a car seems pretty precarious. Isn't there a danger the straps will come off?
A: Yes, and this is known as a "Medway". There are various forms of medway. A technical, or half "Medway" would involve one or some of the boats in transit. A full "Medway" can only be achieved when the roofrack explodes, giving the kayaks some pretty cool air - truly "Mednificent". If executed perfectly this can result in the phenomena known as the "dry land boof".
Q: Does anyone in Battersea CC not like Cream Teas?
A:
Q: How many beers would one owe if one were to inadvertantly cause a helicopter call out? And who should drink them if the helicopter crew can't be found?
A: Clearly it depends on the situation. If a boat caused a helicopter call out not a person then the boat may owe some beers if it is of legal age to buy them and get itself to an off licence unaided. If the helicopter crew cannot be found then the beers should clearly be offered to the river to thank it for not swallowing the boat.
Q: Does a line still count as 'good' if it is accidentally taken backwards?
A: Of course, the advantage of going backwards, even if it is inadvertant, is that you are already past anything scary that you can see. Also, you would be silly to admit that you went backwards by accident, much better to claim that you were 'surfing the feature'.
Q: How high/tough does a drop need to be to be considered "GNNNARLY" and worthy of a high five afterwards? Is calling everyone "dude" afterwards compulsory?
A:
Q: What would happen if Chuck Norris took up Kayaking?
A: When Chuck Norris does a cartwheel the world rotates faster
A: Someone would need to invent a roundhouse-kick powered kayak
A: When Chuck Norris boofs he lands in the next catchment
A: The only reason the Energizer Bunny keeps going and going is because he knows Chuck Norris is after him.
A: All attempts to portage would be met with a swift roundhouse kick to the face.
